staying put

No new job(s). No move. We’re staying here.

My feelings are mixed about all of this – happy to avoid the many hassles, happy to keep our “normal,” but sad for the lost opportunity to move “home.” Really.

So, we move on, but we stay here.

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clarification

just a little clarification from my post yesterday:

1 – I love my family… in-laws, out-laws, extended, all of ‘um… the point of my post was not to dig on them, it was to tell them how badly we want them to participate in our lives.

2- we’re not perfect. we try really, really hard to see everyone when we’re “back home.” we often fail to make everyone happy – it is partially flattering that ya’ll want to see us, it is also frustrating and irritating that we are expecting to be 3 places at once, or at least 3 places in one day. It’s hard. and in our minds, for quality time with us, the easiest way is to visit us.

3 – traveling with a little one is hard. that being said, traveling with 3 of them can’t be easy either. I get that.

4 – Our friends rock. MANY of them have made the jaunt out to see us… that’s why we pick and keep them as friends 🙂 friends and family are different.

5 – I meant it when I said we wouldn’t have made it through school without the help of our families in multiple capacities. and we appreciate it. and we’re not sure how to ever repay all of them. my request for time with them should not be misconstrued as lack of appreciation for the ways they are involved in our life. really.

6 – I realize we were the ones who moved away and had a baby. however, we needed jobs with benefits that weren’t night shifts. We had to move. we were never trying to escape anything or anyone. we are happy to have an opportunity to move back.

7 – I get to be at home with my little man today. I am going to go play blocks, read books, make truck noises, and box fort. have a great day everyone, because we sure will! ❤

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slump

We’ve hit a mid-winter slump around my house. Both my husband and I have found an evening groove of sitting on the couch and not really doing much after Jackson goes to bed, and while it is nice to sit and veg, it also leaves much to be accomplished when I do get the inspiration to do stuff. Which is rare.

But I may have to get my butt in gear really soon. They are doing some restructuring of the supervision positions at Jesse’s job, which is creating the potential for open tech positions on the east side of the state, within an hour or two of both of our families. The opportunity for us to move but Jesse to stay with his company is ideal, as they are they type of company that is worth being a “lifer” for, and open positions are rare, to say the least. Really, if there is an opening (the word is that there will be, but no guarantees ever), if we want to ever get back east, we need to bite on it now. Or wait for years.

Two years ago I would have been clawing at an opportunity to move back east, but honestly, I am not as excited about the option to relocate as I would expect myself to be right now.

Here’s why: I have a job I love and am finally starting to have a little confidence there and building my own panel of patients. I am doing true family practice, from newborn care to elder care. No two days are the same, despite the monotonous amount of sore throats coming through right now. I work with a great group of colleagues and have the most spectacular nurse as a teammate. They aren’t just co-workers, they are friends. They give me confidence and help me navigate the special thing that is rural healthcare.

If we move, we’ll be within 20-30 minutes of the biggest city in South Dakota, I’ll likely end up in specialty care, which is fine, but is pigeon-holed and uuber-focused. And even if I get into a specialty I think I would enjoy, I fear burnout in doing the same things every day and I fear loosing skills in other aspects of health care.

Not to mention, I have a great benefit package, including a great maternity leave plan, in place now. If I leave, I lose that guarantee of 12 weeks with a newborn. Not that I’m pregnant. I’m not (different blog post, different day). We have daycare providers we love here. And I finally have some close girlfriends. I will be sad to leave these people.

If Jesse gets the job, he will be expected to start in 6 weeks or less. However, I have to give a 3 month notice or pay a hefty penalty, so I’ll be single-momming it until we can move, too. Gross. We live in a house that works great for us right now. I get nauseated thinking about selling and buying again. It is a stress I don’t want to face, especially since likely we will need to rent in the interim between selling and buying, which means not one move, but two. Which would mean 5 moves in 3-4 years. BARF.

And my biggest fear… we’re moving to be closer to family, because we are assuming that being close to family will mean A) seeing the said family, and B) receiving some emotional (read: child care/family time) support from said family. BUT… and this is just as simply and un-insulting as I can make it, I don’t think it will play out the way we hope. I don’t think that one hour versus six hours will make nearly the difference we’d like to anticipate. I can only see us visiting them more often, not really the other way around. This may seem harsh and prematurely judgmental, and I hope it is. I drove back east over 30 times after we moved, most of the time for school, but I squeaked in visits home, especially after Jackson was born, as much as I could. Since we’ve been out here, which will be 3 years this spring, my parents have been here 3 times, my older brother once, his wife multiple times, my younger brother and his wife once, Jesse’s mom once on her own, once when we drove her here and drove her home, his dad never, his older sister and her family once, his younger sister never. And in the last year: my parents = 0, my older bother = 0, his wife = 2, my younger brother and his wife = 1, my mother in law = 1, father in law = 0, sister in law #1 = 0, sister in law #2 = 0. These numbers don’t resonate as time or distance constraints, instead the word I feel is priority. I get teary as I type this, but we rarely feel like a priority to our families, and my biggest fear is that we will move for them (they all constantly tell us to move home) and still not be a priority to them. When we are east, if we don’t see ALL OF THEM, there is anger and resentment towards us. Will I now have to be angry when I know they are close but don’t stop to say “hi”? Will my disappointment be worse then than it is now because I can’t gift them the excuse of distance?

Multiple family members read my blog. In reading this I want them to know that we are hurt that we have a growing boy that does not recognize a single family member beyond his parents. That we want him to know you guys. And we want to know our nieces and nephews (both existent and future) better. But we want to feel the highway goes both ways. We want to feel that you want to come sit on our couches for a Sunday afternoon and stay for supper without an agenda to stop while traveling through to get to the city. I want family in the stands cheering for Jackson at his home football games. I want my mom and my mother-in-law to know where I store my toilet paper stash and to feel comfortable in my kitchen. Maybe I am asking too much of them. And I am nothing less than grateful of the support they’ve given us as I finished school, we wouldn’t have made it without them. This isn’t intended to be a complaining session, but an honest expression of my sincere fear that we will uproot our little family for our big families and then not actually see them more often. That’s all.