fear

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(Al Diaz/The Miami Herald/AP Photo)

I cannot quite articulate the emotion this picture conjures up in me except that it is a visual representation of my worst fear. my worst nightmare.

This baby boy in the picture is 5 months old. Not 4. Not 6. FIVE.    Jackson is 5 months old. I cannot look at this and not somehow super-impose my baby’s soft blonde hair. I cannot not put myself along that freeway doing asphalt CPR. All I see is human fragility, namely my son’s mortality. It sends shivers down my spine.

None of us understand God’s plan. No one can explain to me why God might want to take this little boy. And, blessingly, give him back. I remember the first time I saw someone “brought back” in my nursing career… and I remember the humbling experience it is to realize that sometimes God lets the people keep their person. I also remember the first code I watched that did not end in life. That day, God took the person. God gets to choose.

All I know is last night I hugged my baby tighter. I took a Jackson-momma bath with him. I nursed him well beyond a milk coma and just smelled his hair, appreciated his beautiful face, and felt his weight in my arms. He is my world. He is worth everything to me and my husband. I cannot imagine life without him.

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my little man. my world.

I frankly hate that there is a visual representation of that baby’s near-death experience. I hate that the family can see their baby in any way but full of life… and yet, the whole situation ended well, and this picture is a moving and wonderful representation of love… and a miracle. Had it not ended well, my hope is these photos would not have surfaced.

Anyway… hug your babies tight. We never know. And be vigilant, because sometime God does let us keep our people, our babies.

5 months

how do you write a post about a 5 month old baby? with him sitting on your lap, reaching for your coffee, watching a half screen of DocMcStuffins for entertainment because the exercauser just wasn’t cutting it anymore. that is a snap shot of our lives, and really, i love it.

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and because my brain is REALLY full, this post is just going to be a little synopsis of the last month. mostly pictures. i have been back and forth for my 800-mile round trip 3 weeks in a row with jackson in tow every time. he has done AMAZINGLY well with all of the car seat time. i know this is probably terrible, but i figured out a way to hang my kindle from the headrest of the seat, and his gets entertainment from videos during his awake time in the car when i can’t play with him or when he’s tired of his toy selection. it works well, and is a good distraction when he’s crabby… well usually. sometimes i just have to pull off the interstate and cuddle him, which is good for his little soul and mine!

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we have a growing baby on our hands, as he’s now over doubled his birth weight. he’s rolling back-to-front and front-to-back. babbling away. eating like a piggy. he started real food, although we’re still on team “mushy stuff.” he LOVES food. loves, loves, loves it. can’t get it in his mouth fast enough. and always wants to help.

Cereal Collage

he’s a pretty social guy and is happy most of the time. we still don’t sleep great at our house, but i’m guessing that’s just a personality thing. when he’s awake he must have constant entertainment and stimulation, and i doubt his brain shuts off at night either.  he does take two solid naps every day, so at least the daycare lady gets a little break 🙂

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chattin’ with daddy

mostly we just love our little boy. i thank God everyday he is growing and healthy. i thank God every day he won’t remember mommy constantly needing to use the computer while he plays in the exersaucer next to me. and i thank God i have jesse. he is amazing, both as a husband and father.  he takes over when i need to focus, he does a big chunk of the daycare drop-off and pick-up, and has an at least an hour alone with him before and after work when i have to work at the hospital. it might not seem like a big deal, but truthfully, it’s so awesome that he just helps, no complaints.  this week i’m going to school by myself and jesse’s keeping the baby overnight. please say a prayer that both of my men get some sleep that night!

before the terrible, terrible super bowl.

before the terrible, terrible super bowl. and yes those are Christmas decorations still up on our wall. oops.

and me? (because this is my blog and i get to write about myself, too). i’m so happy to be a mommy. even in the middle of the night when i can barely open my eyes to pick up my crying baby. even at 4:45 in the morning, the time i have to get up to get ready for work and still have time to pump and pack the diaper bag. even when my kitchen table is covered in textbooks and i purposely ignore my to-do list to love-up on my baby. even when i’m stressed. even when i’m tired. i would not change our life… i would not wait a year to add our little jackson to our family.

because… i’ve learned how to type left-one-handed and bounce a baby on my hip. i’ve learned to organize the chaos. i’ve even learned that laundry can wait (most of the time), and that our true friends don’t care if my house is cluttered and a little messy. i have six months left of school and then life can settle down for a minute or two. and then?? then we’ll try to make jackson a sibling, because really, i can’t wait to be pregnant again and do this again with another little person. because it all goes so fast…

20weeks