I’m feeling cranky this week, and sadly I can’t really identify why. EXCEPT that my nanny lady backed out on me, and I’m having a hellava time finding someone else. This is causing me to have a miniature mental freak out EVERY SINGLE DAY for at least 15 minutes per day… then I have to let it go, or my head might explode. I’m trying to find someone else, but I am scared that I won’t, and then I am royally screwed.
I have to go back to school 3 weeks after my due date in order to get my clinical hours in by the end of the semester, which, in the most ideal of nannying situations, is already making me freak out and worry I will lose my shit (sorry for all of the swearing, I warned you it’s a cranky pants week). I beginning to toy with the idea of taking a year off, which is a BAD idea if at all avoidable, because I would only be postponing the inevitable, which is finishing my degree at all costs. No one goes through 4.5 years of their 5.5 year-long NP program and quits. My husband and family will kill me. Figuratively. My student loans, however, would literally choke me to death.
I am prepared to feel like my hair is on fire for the next 12 months, to feel like I’m not giving enough time to my child, husband, family, friends, job, or my self. I am prepared to live on minimally sleep. To pump my boobies in awkward places, like driving down the interstate. To feel like crying daily. To even get a B in a class. I am not prepared to give up. I am not prepared to be in school until 2015. I am not prepared to move home because I don’t have anyone to care for my baby for 3 months (as of January 1st, I have a day care spot for him). ugh, I just want to cry thinking about all of it.
Unfortunately, while I am getting lots stuff done in preparation for this child… no painted walls or completed sewing projects can meet the need we, as a family, have… childcare.
No daycare will take a 3 week old. OR no mother (me) in her right mind would take her new born baby to a daycare and feel ok about it. He will be defenseless at 3 weeks, minus a probable REALLY loud squawk. I just want the transition to be easy for one of us (him), as I anticipate to be a hormonal, boarder-line psychotic person at 3 weeks post-partum.
SO, please, please, pretty please, say a little prayer that a different retired, responsible nurse or ANY responsible person who will keep my baby clean, fed, and alive every day, sees one of my MILLION classifieds (including facebook, craigslist, the church bulletin and the news paper) and responds. soon. before I develop pre-partum depression.
in other news, the nursery is painted. by an 8-month-pregnant lady.
and Nella loves picture day.
and we have 8 weeks until Muffin arrives. (he-he-whoooooo…. we will find a nanny. we will.)
promise i’ll try for a happier post next week.