meaningful milestone

for those of you who have followed my ramblings for any amount of time, you know that Wednesdays are our “flip-day” … the day we change weeks, move forward. the day I get an email from BabyCenter that gives me a glimpse of what’s going on in there.

it’s Tuesday night. I’m 19 weeks and 6 days.

you might think I’m excited for tomorrow because it’s half way to meeting our little man. and I am. but tonight represents something bigger. something better.

tonight is the last night they could turn us away. the last night they’d be able to say, “we’re sorry, but there’s nothing we can do.”

I know real viability is at about 24 weeks. but, because of my past life on L&D, the cut off line between help and pity is 20 weeks. after 20 weeks they don’t just hold you in the ER if you’re bleeding. they take you to the L&D floor. they try to save your baby. I truly didn’t understand the severity of this line in the sand until we were able to conceive. and without our struggle with infertility, I may still not. I might have been able to sail through the weeks and not hold my breath. but, because of our struggle and journey, for 15 weeks, since the moment “pregnant” popped up in that digital window, I haven’t really breathed.

I think back to the me, the pre-infertility issue nurse on OB, who hated getting calls because “I’m so-and-so, and I’m about 14 weeks along, and I just started bleeding.” I hated those calls for sympathetic reasons: poor thing, you must be terrified. I hated them for selfish reasons: ugh, you’re “barely” pregnant and already calling us. and I hated them for practical reasons: you’re 14 weeks. even if you are miscarrying, there’s nothing we can do – if you’re concerned, bleeding heavily, or having unbearable pain, please go to the ER. I didn’t get it then.

but now? now every day counts. every day done was a day closer to not being sent to the ER, to wait, worry, wonder, and weep. I have never thought of myself as barely pregnant. I’m ashamed I ever thought that way about any other woman.

and, because of my previous job, which I loved dearly by the way, I don’t need the BabyCenter email to picture my baby growing. unfortunately, after about 14 or 15 weeks, our doctors chose to not for D&Cs, because it was literally to terrible for them to remove a fetus that large from a uterus. those women were brought to us if they hadn’t miscarried at home. we induced them. we delivered their teeny, tiny babies. we held those women’s hands, and we cried with them. for them. we shared in the sacred moments of their lives.

I’ve seen the perfection that is 14 weeks gestation. 15 weeks. 17 week twins. tiny and perfect. inevitable loss. I’ve held them in my hands.

of course, I’ve seen 29 weeks. and 38 weeks too. those are shifts you never forget. and you shouldn’t, because it validates that life.

am I still scared sh*t-less of that outcome for us? yes. I’m scared of the next 20 weeks, the 20 hours of labor I may have to endure, the first 20 years of my child’s life. I know I have no control over any of this. I know heartache strikes without warning. I have to accept things. But at least, tomorrow, if my world turns upside down and everything I’m hoping for vanishes, we’ll have made it this far.

I’m not trying to be a Debbie-downer. This is actually a hopeful post for me, and I hope I didn’t scare anyone. Life is precious and sacred, and I am so thankful we are here, at 19.6 weeks. And if you are someone who didn’t get to make it to 20 weeks or 40 weeks, I am SO sorry for your loss.

hugs, a.

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19 weeks.

And suddenly, I look pregnant.

almost half way there! but, oh course, the baby will get still get about 14 times bigger! sure hope I don't!

almost half way there! but, oh course, the baby will get still get about 14 times bigger! sure hope I don’t!

Highlights of this week:

  • Feeling LOTS of movement. He’s a busy guy growing in there.
  • I’ve grown noticeable, too. Jesse called me “Bumpy” this week.
  • Round ligament pain. I can feel everything stretching.
  • MY LAST DAY OF CLINICALS for the semester. It was a great 12 weeks of learning, but SO READY for a little break. I’d drink a beer to celebrate if I could, BUT I won’t, I promise!
  • Getting closer to moving. Probably be actually moving the last weekend of April. I am absolutely not packed, but it’ll all work out.
  • My dad’s getting better. What a blessing and relief.
  • It snowed again this week. Not quite as much, but STILL. If I didn’t have to scrape, scoop, or track it in the house I wouldn’t care so much, and I know the moisture is much needed, but man, oh man, I’m ready for spring showers instead.
  • Our Tahoe is being dumb again and a wheel-bearing went out. Driving the sweet red ’87 pickup truck this week 🙂

That’s about all. Not the most exciting post, I know. Hope everyone else is having a good week, without snow!

snow day

Good ol’ South Dakota weather, always good for a mucking up of my plans. Although, after being in college 850 years, I’m not one to complain about a “free” day home. Yesterday I made it to town for clinicals, but the clinic shut down at noon. 4 hours lost. Today, my preceptor’s snowed in 30 miles away and my husband “doesn’t want me out in this stuff unless absolutely necessary.” He has to go to work… something about working for a telephone company in bad weather. But for all intensive purposes most of the state is shut down. What did I do today? Napped and studied for my next exam. Watched the dog and cat torment each other. Your run-of-the-mill snowday. At least we have power here and internet. No biggies. Except the 10 hours of missed clinicals today. Pff. I’ll be fine.

source: a disgruntled south Dakotan on Facebook.

source: a disgruntled South Dakotan on Facebook.

nella vs. gertie face-off. this goes on and on and on.

nella vs. gertie face-off. this goes on and on and on.

good morning!

good morning!

gertie was pretty unsure of this.

gertie was pretty unsure of this.

snow!

snow!

nella spent an hour being angry because she wasn't allowed out to chase this brave little birdie

nella spent an hour being angry because she wasn’t allowed out to chase this brave little birdie

Preggo wise… 18 weeks today. I’ll make Jesse take a picture later. felt a few more possible movements, I’m really paying attention now. and (stop reading if you are my dad or brothers) got some boob-juice leakage goin’ on. Jesse thinks it’s GROSS… mostly I think he’s mourning the loss of the non-mom boobies. They officially belong to the baby now. 🙂

sorry for the hiatus

I feel like I haven’t been a very good blogger lately. Not reading or writing. You know then Dori sings “just keep swimming?” that was a good summation of my week. hiatus over, for now anyway. could get worse in the next month. whatever, on to the next topic.

so, last week my dad was hospitalized, we were deciding if we should buy a house, school was over-whelming me, work was over-whelming me. I barely had time to talk to my hubby or think about the baby.

dad got discharged home on easter sunday. hallelujah. he seems to be doing better, got off the lovenox injections, just coumadin and lots of monitoring. which is wonderful news, considering how awful that could have turned out. and that blueberry needs a grandpa roger!

we are moving forward with the purchase of this home. and I’m probably allowing myself to get a teeny. tiny bit overly excited. all was well with getting the mortgage approved, just letting the sellers finish up the purchase agreement. yay. (what I really mean is – YAYAYAYAY). mostly I’m just super happy about having a home to bring blueberry home to. and decorating the cutest navy/orange nursery. and having SPACE.

school… they decided to NOT have the extra class this summer that they just sprang on everyone. good. they moved it to this fall. ugh. oh well, gotta make it work.

work is work. can’t do much about that. tentatively scheduled on days for next month. won’t believe it until I see it in print.

the biggest news?? I’m pretty certain I felt the blueberry move today! I’ve been hesitant to believe anything I feel is movement, but I was laying in bed, totally relaxed, and not gassy (shocker that those moons all aligned) and felt a little flippy feeling. of course it was only once, but I’m still pretty confident in fetal movement as the cause. I would never say it if I wasn’t. and it makes sense… I’m 17wk5d, so totally plausible. hoping for a second time soon, but I’ve heard it can be days between definitive movements. my belly is growing. the boobs have had a resurgence. and I pee all the time. all the ALL THE TIME. so, feeling pretty pregnant this week.

17 weeks. and a cute maternity outfit thanks to my friend Gail who just delivered sweet baby Owen. she's about 5'3"... I'm 5'7" - I had to ask Jesse if I was showing too much butt to be clinic appropriate. he approved.

17 weeks. and a cute maternity outfit thanks to my friend Gail who just delivered sweet baby Owen. she’s about 5’3″… I’m 5’7″ – I had to ask Jesse if I was showing too much butt to be clinic appropriate. he approved.