today minus 364 days

today is my birthday, and honestly I don’t care too much this year. I spent my day holed up in the basement working on my doctorate project proposal, which is a lame, but somehow fitting, 29th birthday. mostly I just want to get into the next decade and turn 30 already. because I feel 30. I have a hubby, and a house, and a beautiful baby.

Jackson’s the only thing that’s making my birthday nostalgic and special. my first birthday as a mommy. but it’s making me think of last year.

all day long I’ve thought of last year.

last year I turned 28. jesse and I had been trying to conceive for 11 months. trying with a capital T. failing with a capital F.(I know, I know, 11 months… whoopity do, but when it’s you in that sink hole, it sucks) On my birthday I was hurting so much for the baby we couldn’t seem to make. And one of my best friends from high school gave birth the night before my birthday to a perfect little boy. I was overjoyed for her. I really, really was. But I was so heartbroken for me. That’s how I remember my 28th birthday, heartbroken.

my birthday has always been around thanksgiving, I love the idea of pumpkin pie as a substitute for birthday cake and that my birthday lands at a time to remember how blessed I truly am.  I love that this year I get thankful for a new life. My heart is healed.

so thankful

so thankful

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34 weeks

A year ago at this time we were on our second cycle of clomid. I felt alone and angry, stuck in a town I didn’t like, feeling like an inadequate female. I was a miserable person to be around. Now, … Continue reading

baby belly… public domain

this week was pretty standard, school and work.

but something, well, fun started happening at work this week. The old people starting asking me about being pregnant.

I think I’ve looked obviously pregnant for at least the last 7 weeks. but scrubs are forgiving and hide things (both good and bad) pretty well. so, at work the only ones who would make comments about my growth were co-workers who knew what I “normally” look like. However, in the last week I’ve have a 90-year-old women who had no idea about many things going on around her look me straight in the eye and ask, “Are you PG?” haha. yes, mama. and then an old man waited until I had both hands busy opening his pills, reached up and rubbed my belly! at first I was a little shocked, but seriously, it was so dang cute. these little things haven’t stopped since.  my elderly patients LOVE talking about me being pregnant. they want to know gender and due date and names. They have no filter. They’ve let me know how to be a parent and how to love a child.

In the everyday normal world this would probably get annoying. But with my patients, it makes them happy, so it makes me happy. they want to remember being young, they want to connect with that, and I guess this baby-belly reminds them. in fact, a woman I cared for this week will be almost 100 years old this September… she really, really wants me to deliver on her due date and let her know all about it. Just another thing I love about nursing.

so, this week, in honor of the sweet elderly population, I didn’t change out of my scrubs to take the picture.

26wks

OH, guess what else????? if you’d followed my previous blog about trying to get pregnant, you might remember a story of how much I struggled to tell one of my friends when I got pregnant because she was struggling with sub-fertility, too??? She’s due in December!! YAY! It’ll make going to class a lot easier again, since we will be back on some common ground, but gossiping about breastfeeding instead of semen analyses. It sucked when it felt like I had something she didn’t, and every time I saw her, I felt like I was hurting her feelings by just being there. It is such a stinky thing to be pregnant when someone else wants to be, but isn’t.

I have one more close friend who is still striving to get there. Breaks my heart, because part of me knows. I know we didn’t have to try as long as some. I know I get to feel the rolling around of our little boy everyday, and it heals some of the pain of those months when I thought I’d never be here… BUT, anytime you have to use science to get pregnant (I was on multiple medications) it loses its intimacy and spontaneity. It becomes everyone else’s business. And it sucks. SO, I’ll keep praying, and I ask you to do the same as she and her hubby continue to pursue parenthood.

-a.