the emotions of parenthood

I believe there are three core emotions to parenthood – worry, guilt, and love.

Worry:

From the moment you learn of your impending parenthood, you begin to worry – and worry knows no bounds or forms of parenthood. Adopting? worry. IVFing? worry. Just found out you are pregnant after trying for a year? worry. Just found out you are pregnant after trying not to get pregnant? worry. Then there is worry over what you eat, what they eat, what is normal, what is scary. You worry about worrying too much. You worry because of what you think and what everyone else is thinking and, well, everything. With all of the knowledge that is at my fingertips via the world-wide web, combined with my formal nursing education, you’d think I would worry less, but that is untrue. I worry MORE because I know there’s more to worry about.  It’s silly really… I would have all the confidence in the world saying to a parent of a patient, “your baby is normal, everything looks good,” but turn around and worry over my own child’s normalness. Worry is maddening and unescapable, and from what I can tell, lasts forever.

Guilt:

Here’s a fun emotion… guilt. Guilt is heavy and sticky and tricky. You finally get a moment of silence to yourself, and instead of relaxing, you find guilt creeping in and disrupting your moment. Pretty soon you’re checking on your child or husband or babysitter… Guilt in parenthood comes from fear of making the wrong choices – whether it’s a decision to be a stay at home mom or to go back to work or formula feed or breastfeed or to let your baby cry it out or not. Guilt is an ugly sister of worry. You worry about a choice until you make it, and pretty soon you’re feeling guilty about not choosing something else. You worry because of the longstanding effects that could happen, you feel guilt because a longstanding effect might have happened after making a choice.

But after all of that maddening worry and guilt, there is love.

Love is so personal. Love is intense. Love is not hearts and flowers, but instead the weight of a little boy about to walk his way out of babyhood and into toddlerland, when at 3 am all he wants is his “maaaaa-ma-ma-maaaa,” and at first, all I want is sleep, but in a split second I am up picking up his warm, heavy body from the crib and heading for the rocking chair. Last night, as he nursed, I felt the brevity of his littleness… his hands aren’t quite so chubby and his legs are getting long. His blonde hair is filling in and has grown just past the tops of his ears. Love is in the details, in the quiet moments, as he falls back to sleep in my arms and I carry him back to bed.

Love gets us through the worry and the guilt. Love brings us past those feelings and makes every single moment precious and worth it.

DSC_0789

 

LABOR day

It’s labor day. Like, “don’t work” day. Except if you are pregnant… the meaning changes a little 🙂

so, dear baby mcmuffin:

I know it’s 9 days before your “estimated date of delivery” and you’re probably comfortable in there. Momma’s not miserable yet, so it’s okay if you don’t come out today. Really.

HOWEVER… if you have a sense of humor as a newborn human, today would be a fun day to be born. Just sayin’

And your dad is really, really excited and impatient for you to come out. He doesn’t have to push you out, so he’s cool with now. RIGHT NOW. Anyway… we love you, we want you to grow on the inside until you’re ready to be on the outside, but just to let you know, the outside is ready for you. And we can’t wait to meet you!

love,
momma and daddy mcmuffin.

35 weeks… brought to you by the letter P(ee)

I have peed so many times today that I should take out stock in toilet paper. Mr. McMuffin is running out of rib space and is now taking up real estate on my bladder and pelvic bone, hence the potty dance every 30 minutes or so. And the sciatic nerve pain as well as some fun shoot-down-the-front-of-my-leg nerve singers, too. Couple this with my pathetic ability to sleep and holy hell fire heart burn if I forget the Prilosec for one day, and you’ve got one hot pregnant mess. BUT, I am happy to keep him in there until 40 weeks. It’s not like I’m going to get any sleep once he gets here anyway.

35wks

nothing beats the, “oh crap, we need to take a picture, despite how tired I look” bumpdate. sorry!

Seriously, it’s like there’s a watermelon in there. A watermelon with REALLY strong legs. And toes that I cannot wait to count and kiss.  I have no idea how he will make more room. The inn is full, no more space available.  I’m going to explode out of my belly button here soon.  And the hernias keep growing…. he’s pushing things out wherever he can… luckily (maybe??) I can’t see them anymore, just feel them growing. Miraculously enough, still no visible stretch marks…. but I’m not keeping my fingers crossed that will last. I know better.

I’ve been busy nesting, opening boxes and even washing some blankets 🙂 I finished sewing 30 burp cloths and the skirt for the crib in the last 2 days, as well as started on re-painting the dresser. It feels good to check things off my to-do list.

IMG_3645

Unfortunately I still don’t have a nanny lined up… my latest good prospect declined 😦 I have a couple more options to go through. Hopefully something will work out.

with the crib skirt to hide stuff under the crib.  I think I like it better than without.

with the crib skirt to hide stuff under the crib. I think I like it better than without.

Without the skirt.  What do you think, better or worse??

Without the skirt. What do you think, better or worse??

Other than that, things remain fairly status-quo.  I hope to get the hospital bag mostly packed this weekend, just in case. And finish painting the dresser. And motivate my hubby to put up the trim and switch the electrical plug-ins  and light switches to white ones. Hopefully we can get all of those things done. Check. Check. Check.

OH, and the best news of the week has nothing to do with me, but it is totally worth a happy dance. Lentil, whom I have never met in real life but definitely feels like someone I would get along with really well, is not only pregnant but is pregnant with TWINS 🙂 AH, SO EXCITING! Congrats girlie!