tears

there have been alot of tears this weekend from me.

first of all, our daycare gal, where Jackson was due to start attending in January, emailed me Friday to let me know she’s pregnant and is no longer willing to take Jackson for daycare. CRAP. Crap because A) she’s a responsible person with whom I trusted my care of my son, and B) because January isn’t very far away. Crap, crap, crap. He’s to scrambling for plan B. (our nanny is moving in January, so we can’t even do an extension of her care).

second of all, I go back to work Tuesday.Β  I know it’s been 12 weeks and boo-hoo me, right?? but still, my current job is not my favorite job (it totally has nothing to do with actually being a nurse either), so i’m kind of dreading going back.

most importantly, my hubby just left for the week for work. The last time he was gone for work, i was 37ish weeks pregnant. Life has changed alot since then, and i don’t like being here without him, especially on my first week back to work. Luckily, my mom is headed out to help tomorrow, so it’s only one night “alone,” but I spent last night pretty much constantly crying because I was feeling overwhelmed – all of that crying wasn’t very fair to him. He can’t help that he has to go. For all of you gals who fly solo, either because your hubby is out of town for work, or because you’re a single mama, hats off to you. I hate this. And to add to the awesomeness, it’s been negative 10 degrees all week, not looking to warm up much, so it takes out any prospect of taking out the jogger with the baby for a little change of scenery when Jackson is bored and i’m going stir crazy.

Jesse and I had a good heart-to-heart last night. We promised to do our best for our family and for each other and just push through the next 9 months of school. Really, that’s all we can do. And when I’m done, something awesome will happen… I’ll have an 8-5 job, no nights, no weekends, none of the craziness that can accompany hospital nursing. They’ll be new challenges and new craziness, but it will be WITHOUT the background noise that graduate school makes. I’ll be done with school forever if I want to. And I’ll be able to focus on my family more. I’ll have more time for them. More time for me. IT. WILL. BE. AWESOME.

anyway, leaving you with a little holiday inspiration. loving this right now…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1pQVRyPGTEc

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4 thoughts on “tears

  1. oh boy, do i know those tears (not the ones from going back to work after having a baby, obviously, but the ones from feeling overwhelmed and like you make a poor life choice by staying in school). i can’t tell you how many times AE has consoled me by encouraging me to focus on the “life after” and on the limited time there is until i reach that.

    i’m sorry you’re feeling this way! i’ll be thinking about you this week, and i hope that having your mom around will be both helpful and comforting (it always is, isn’t it)?

    and to make you smile. http://www.myamazingearth.com/2012/12/the-happiest-penguin-ever/

    you’re welcome. πŸ™‚

    • Hehe. That is smile worthy.
      I know we’ll both be so happy when we’ve gotten trough school and accomplished personal goals. It’s so nice to have supportive hubbies!
      The funny part is that this week/weekend is reminding me why I would NOT be a good SAHM. I would really be looking forward to going back to work if there wasn’t so much term oil at my job, if I didn’t have school to finish, and if I had reliable daycare lined up!!

  2. Yep. Those tears suck. I remember the “i don’t wanna go back to work” tears well. I PROMISE it gets easier. You do feel like less and less of a horrible human being for leaving your child. And I know being alone makes it a million times worse. I remember my husband went away for the weekend on a bachelor party thing when Landon was 3 weeks old. I wasn’t back to work yet but it was the first time I did nights by myself. I cried for a full hour after he left. I’d be losing it if he were gone the week I was going back to work too.

    On the other hand, I’m feelin’ ya on the day care drama. We are looking and it’s stressing me out. So, yeah. Insert feelings of being a horrible human being again.

    praying for you!

    • I’m learning motherhood is actually a synonym for guilt-fest. Never enough time, never enough money, never enough sleep. But, always enough love.
      Today was really hard. Jackson wants to be held constantly, facing out, so he can see what’s going on. While bouncing. OMG I think I bounced around the world twice today. I didn’t realize how nice it is to be able to “pass the baby” to my hubby when I need to pee. Or how awesome adult conversation really can be. I’d be an awful SAHM… Which gives me feelings of guilt for NOT wanting to be home full time.
      Thanks for the prayers. Lord knows I could use a few. And I’ll pray you find a safe, reliable daycare too!!!

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