2/3 done. which is relieving, and yet, kinda sad. but mostly starting to totally freak me the heck out.
it means I have 9 weeks until i’m “full term”… until it’s kosher to actually have a baby. a baby boy. despite the fact we have some of the stuff we need, the nursery isn’t even started. and I’m getting nervous about a baby, a real baby, living in our house. as our responsibility. forever. i’m not certain i’m ready. i’m not certain I will ever be truly ready.
what makes me even more nervous is the total unknown of delivering this little wiggle worm. will it be August 29th? September 11th? September 25th? … all are actual options. that I have ABSOLUTELY NO CONTROL OVER. not good for this Type A over here. how about this… vaginal? cesarean? 1st degree tear? 3rd degree tear? vacuum? forceps? post-partum hemorrhage? DIC? fetal distress? pneumothorax? hypoglycemia? I can go on, and on, and on. and i’m really sorry if you’re pregnant, reading this, and hadn’t thought about this yet. but honestly it is my everyday mantra lately.
it wouldn’t be so bad if I wasn’t in school. and didn’t have a not so desirable boss. and felt good about delivering at the hospital i’m supposed to deliver at. I could deal with a little delivery ambiguity if there wasn’t all this other vague-ness. if I deliver early, awesome for school and clinicals, BAD for going back to work before the semester is over. if I deliver late, really really bad for getting my clinical hours in, unless I start clinicals at a million weeks pregnant. sounds miserable.
if I deliver on the west side (the side I live on and am “supposed to” deliver at), I get the benefit of only being an hour away from our house, with the doc who’s followed me for the pregnancy (unless she’s not on call, but that’s a whole other ball of worry), and probably the ability for my good friend/amazing photographer to capture the birth (from my shoulder view) on film. plus, and sorry family, but we’ll have a little time to group/regroup after the baby is here, before everyone arrives to meet him if we’re 6 hours from them. however, delivering on this side of the state also gives me worry, because they have high infection rates, and the least desirable NICU in the state (my personal opinion).
because i’ll be back frequently, even at the very end of my pregnancy, to the east side of the state, there is a real opportunity for me to go into labor while over there. benefits: a hospital I am familiar with, surrounded by nurses I know, love, and trust. and a doc that will show up for me regardless if he’s on-call, as long as he’s in town. close to our families. a very small infection rate. close to a great NICU. Bummers: my husband will have a 6 hour drive to get here, which leaves a chance he could miss the birth. no photography. a ridiculous influx of family, without warning or control, at all times.
SO, while I know that God only knows when this baby will come. and how. and with what level of health, I am descending into small vat of freak-out. please help me!
good news? no gestational diabetes. phew. but of course, anemia, so bring on the iron.